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00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:03,801
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
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00:00:03,803 --> 00:00:07,472
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
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00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:10,641
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
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00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:13,044
♪ Those were the days ♪
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♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
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♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
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♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
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♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
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♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
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♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
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♪ Those were the days ♪
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You're nuts, Barney.
I done a lot of readin' on the subject.
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Man of War is the greatest nag
ever ran on four legs.
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And I'm tellin' you
Secretariat could take him
15
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carryin' Seabiscuit
on his back.
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Depends on the jock.
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You put Willie the Shoe
on any--
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Hi, guys,
how are ya?
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00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,391
Oh, hi, Arch.
Hi, Arch.
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Hiya, Barney,
how ya doin'?
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Hey, Harry,
come on, beer, huh? Yeah, comin' up.
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I'm tellin' ya, Barney,
you put Willie Shoemaker
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00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:07,532
on any horse that's livin'--
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I'm talking about
Willie Shoemaker!
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He's two foot, two inches.
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Willie Shoemaker?
Ah, he ain't that small.
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Where are ya, Barney?
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I'm talkin' about my little
grandson Joey here.
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Arch, the world
ain't interested
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in the daily update
on your grandson's height.
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He sprang up a half an inch
in the last three weeks.
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If you're talking
about a great horse,
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you're talking about
Man of War. This kid is strong, too,
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puttin' on weight
every single day.
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Secretariat was
a good horse, too, but--
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The other day I slipped him
on the scale, see,
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and with a full diaper
he's 24 pounds.
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You figure
you clean the kid up,
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he's still gotta be
23, huh?
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Look at this smile.
See that?
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Boy, that's what you call
personality.
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When he grows up
and he gets teeth in that smile,
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he could have
a career in politics.
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Jeez, the dopey Democrats'll
give him anything.
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And, Barney, is he smart--
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Look, Arch,
we're pals, right?
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We're lodge brothers?
Yeah.
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00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,293
So I listen
when you tell me
49
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how you're the greatest
cabbie in Queens,
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how you lift all them
heavy crates down at work,
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and ain't never got a hernia.
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That's all true, Barney.
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Yeah, okay,
now it's settled
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that your grandson
is the greatest,
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so can we move on
to more important topics?
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I mean, like if you
go over to the bar and drink your beer,
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I'll pay for it.
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Okay, Barney, you're on.
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Any time
you wanna buy a beer.
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HARRY:
Now let me straighten you out about--
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But, listen, I wanna
tell ya one more thing.
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Now, Barney, you know,
let me tell you this--
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You're right about me,
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the way I talk too much
about little Joey,
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but, listen, honest to God,
fellas,
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look at that kid.
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Now ain't that the cutest
lookin' one-years-old
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anywheres around?
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I've had it with you.
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Do you wanna see the cutest
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one-years-old grandchild
in the world?
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Then lamp my little
Linda there.
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Oh, Barney,
Barney, Barney,
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you took a picture
of the naked child there?
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And you flash that around
in a men's bar?
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Listen, Arch, if you had
a body like that,
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you wouldn't wanna
cover it up, either.
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Nice, pudgy little
cheeks there.
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Yeah, all four of 'em.
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Barney, I gotta tell you
the truth there.
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00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,429
I think she's a little
too plump there.
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She's been hittin'
the Oreos lately?
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Oh, yeah?
Well, it looks to me
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like Joey's a little
on the skinny side.
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He ain't been sick,
has he?
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Oh, come on, will ya?
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If you was as healthy
as this kid,
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your doctor'd
be in the poorhouse.
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He'd be the only doctor
in the poorhouse.
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Let's hear it for
the medical profession.
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[EACH BLOWS RASPBERRY]
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Now, listen, I want you
to take a look
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at that high forehead
there on Linda.
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Do you know
what that means?
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00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:50,961
Intelligence, yeah,
everybody knows that, Barney.
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00:03:50,963 --> 00:03:53,031
Joey's got
a high forehead, too.
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00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,999
Joey's bald.
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Don't say that, Barney.
99
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He ain't bald.
He just ain't got too much hair.
100
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That's what I say.
He's got too much face.
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00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:05,677
What do you mean by that?
102
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,880
I mean don't ever set him
on a pool table, Arch,
103
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,348
'cause someone might
104
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:12,283
shoot him into
the corner pocket.
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Oh, oh, oh, oh.
106
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Now, I ain't gonna
stand for that.
107
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Ah, take it easy, Arch.
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What do you mean,
"take it easy"?
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This guy just stepped across
the chalk-line here.
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Oh, is that so?
Says who?
111
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Says me.
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Says you?
Yeah.
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Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
114
00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:25,963
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
115
00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:27,832
Yeah?
Hey, listen, Barney,
116
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,134
you know, the tone of voice
of that last "yeah"
117
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:31,970
could lose you
an old friendship, see?
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00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:33,705
It could lose you
a little bridgework, too.
119
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:37,642
Ah, come on,
this is the stupidest thing I ever seen,
120
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,343
two old buddies
fightin' about
121
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:40,979
who's got the
best-lookin' grandchild.
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00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,380
I ain't fightin'
about nothin'.
123
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I know who's got the most
beautifulest grandchild here.
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Anybody would say
the same thing.
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You go out, you ask
any 99 out of 100 people
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00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,756
off the streets of New York
and see what they say,
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00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:54,392
barring the South Bronx
where no English is spoke...
128
00:04:55,928 --> 00:04:57,929
They say
the same thing as me!
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00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:00,765
Oh, yeah? Well, I can
prove that my little girl
130
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,067
is the most beautiful,
because she's entered
131
00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:05,870
in the beautiful baby contest
in the Flushing Tribune.
132
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,038
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
133
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,541
Well, uh, suppose
I was to tell you
134
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,943
that little Joey is entered
into the same contest.
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00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:13,144
Since when?
136
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,946
Since, uh, tomorrow.
137
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,680
Ha, I got ya,
it's too late.
138
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The contest
is closed tomorrow.
139
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No it ain't.
no it ain't too late.
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Listen, Hank Pivnik
knows them people
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00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,186
on that Flushing Tribune,
142
00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:24,488
and we can make a phone call
and get little Joey
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00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,757
in under the wire there,
buddy.
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00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,424
Well, I hope you can,
pal.
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00:05:27,426 --> 00:05:29,026
You know why?
Because then it'll prove
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00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:30,327
beyond a shadow
of a doubt
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00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:32,096
who's got the most
beautiful baby.
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00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:35,266
Why don't you put your money
where your big mouth is, huh?
149
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:36,534
I'll bet you anything
you wanna bet.
150
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:38,570
Money, come on.
I'll bet you $1,000.
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00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:39,603
All right, you're on.
152
00:05:39,605 --> 00:05:42,206
Uh, let's make it $25.
153
00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:44,476
Don't talk crazy.
Say ten.
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That's a bet!
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You got it!
Put 'er there!
156
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I want you here
with the green.
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I'll be here.
I don't wanna have to go to Hauser Street.
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You don't have
to worry about me.
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00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:53,584
I'll be back here
with my money.
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You just remember,
you better be back here with your money
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to pay off the bet!
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Hey,
Arch, he's gone.
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Get out of here, Barney,
or I'll belt ya!
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EDITH: Come on, now,
just a few more.
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Smile for Grandpa.
166
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:18,643
But first fluff up
his hair a little bit there, huh, Edith?
167
00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:20,345
Make it look like
he's got more, huh?
168
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:23,047
Here you are. There.
Ain't that a shame?
169
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,850
Well, they can't blame
you and me for that, Edith.
170
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:27,785
You're gonna win
the Flushing Tribune
171
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:30,454
beautiful baby contest,
172
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:33,424
so smile again
for Grandpa. Look!
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D-Don't do that.
That ain't gonna get a child to smile.
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00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,363
You'll make him scream
with that stuff.
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00:06:40,599 --> 00:06:41,999
Focus the camera here.
All right.
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00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:43,034
Okay now.
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There's Joey.
Hi, Joey, look this way.
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Now, don't move,
don't move.
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[SHUTTER CLICKS]
I got him.
180
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:49,273
Perfect. There's not
a movement on him there.
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00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:52,410
Oh, wait a minute.
I ain't so sure.
182
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,512
Oh, yes, there is!
183
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:59,417
Oh, Edith, get him
out of the area, huh?
184
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,718
Oh.
185
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,921
I'll never figure
that kid out.
186
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,455
He takes on
three meals a day,
187
00:07:04,457 --> 00:07:06,624
and he leaves off five.
188
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:10,662
Now, come on
and kiss Grandpa goodbye.
189
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:11,663
Bye-bye.
190
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,731
Not now, huh,
Edith there?
191
00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:15,700
It burns my eyes.
192
00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:18,269
♪ Who's my little hoosie? ♪
193
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,638
♪ Who's my turtle-dove? ♪
194
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,641
BOTH:
♪ Who's my little hoosie? ♪
195
00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:26,243
♪ Who do you love? ♪
196
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:27,579
♪ Ba-ba-ba-- ♪
197
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:30,048
Hello, is that
the Flushing Tribune there?
198
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,750
Uh, yes, could I speak
to the individual
199
00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:36,888
who's in charge
of the beautiful baby contest please?
200
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:40,257
Ma, I brought you over
an apple pie.
201
00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:42,727
What happened?
There's only half a pie here.
202
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,734
You shouldn't have
left me alone with it.
203
00:07:51,003 --> 00:07:52,704
Shush over here,
will ya?
204
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:53,938
I'm on the horn.
205
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,007
Your mother's upstairs
changing the child.
206
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:59,243
Hey, honey, look at all
these new pictures of Joey.
207
00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:02,013
Now, leave them alone.
Leave them alone, now.
208
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,548
Hello, hello?
209
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:06,684
Uh, a friend of mine,
Hank Pivnik
210
00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:09,821
told me to call up and ask
for a Harley Benson there.
211
00:08:10,989 --> 00:08:12,657
Oh, are you Harley?
212
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:16,928
Yeah, well, it's about
the beautiful baby contest--
213
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,629
What do you mean
you're gonna print
214
00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:19,997
the winning picture
in the paper?
215
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,365
How you gonna do that
216
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:25,603
when I got the winning
picture with me? Huh?
217
00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:28,606
Yeah, well, that's what I mean,
if there's still time.
218
00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:30,842
Yeah, I can get over there
in an hour, sure.
219
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,176
Hop on a Northern
Boulevard bus.
220
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,744
I'll be right over there.
221
00:08:33,746 --> 00:08:36,013
Hey, hey, Harley,
hold the presses, huh?
222
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,247
Thank you. Yeah.
223
00:08:38,751 --> 00:08:40,951
Hey, Arch, what is this?
224
00:08:40,953 --> 00:08:43,755
"Entry form.
Beautiful baby contest"?
225
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,956
None of your business,
none of your business here.
226
00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:48,359
Arch, you're not
entering my son
227
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,827
in some silly sweepstakes
228
00:08:49,829 --> 00:08:51,662
to prove who's got
the most dimples.
229
00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:52,830
And why not?
230
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:56,033
Daddy, you know
how we feel about contests.
231
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,669
Oh, "how you feel."
232
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,171
How is it
young marrieds today
233
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:02,673
have to sit down and decide
234
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:06,210
how they feel
about everything, huh?
235
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,312
What do you got against
your little son
236
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,948
being selected the most
beautiful baby in Queens?
237
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:12,784
Daddy, we already know
he's beautiful.
238
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:15,986
We don't need a blue ribbon
pinned on his little tush to prove it.
239
00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:18,122
Besides,
he's only a year old.
240
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,958
That's my whole point.
He's been here a year, he ain't won nothin' yet.
241
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,895
Yeah, he's been layin'
around for a whole year,
242
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,797
instead of out
lookin' for a job.
243
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:28,433
Uh, let me ask you
somethin', Meathead.
244
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,235
How is it that certain people
with a college education
245
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,536
turn out to be so ignorant?
246
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:33,804
Now, I'm not mentioning
any names.
247
00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:35,439
I'll just look at the party
and whistle.
248
00:09:35,441 --> 00:09:36,741
[WHISTLES]
249
00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:39,744
Don't you know
that we had competition
250
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,813
in mankind since back
time im--immoral there?
251
00:09:42,815 --> 00:09:45,549
Back when the Christians
is fighting the lions?
252
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:48,052
You call that competition?
253
00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:51,288
You're damn right,
and a tough competition it was, too.
254
00:09:51,290 --> 00:09:53,557
Compe--That's where
they get the expression,
255
00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:54,825
the sudden-death overtime.
256
00:09:58,864 --> 00:10:00,865
Daddy, if it's important
for Joey
257
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,332
to be a winner at something,
258
00:10:02,334 --> 00:10:04,668
the least important victory
is how he looks.
259
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:05,670
She's right, Arch.
260
00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:07,205
She is wrong!
261
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,406
And I like these things.
262
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,973
I like all kinds
of contests.
263
00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:10,974
I like beauty contests.
264
00:10:10,976 --> 00:10:12,577
I love the Miss America
contest.
265
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:15,213
Ah, beauty contests
are the silliest of all.
266
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:19,983
♪ Oh, there she is ♪
267
00:10:19,985 --> 00:10:24,822
♪ Miss America ♪
268
00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:27,191
Stop that, you.
269
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:30,728
Boy, you have sank
to a pretty new low--
270
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:35,232
running down one of our
sacredest national traditions.
271
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:36,667
Boy, I wanna tell ya--
272
00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:38,101
and if it wasn't
for Miss America,
273
00:10:38,103 --> 00:10:40,270
Atlantic City
could be sold to Cuba.
274
00:10:42,574 --> 00:10:44,142
And now, ladies
and gentlemen,
275
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,310
the moment you've all
been waiting for!
276
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:48,479
The decision
of the judges is in,
277
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,549
and we are about to announce
the new Miss America!
278
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:52,783
[SQUEALS]
279
00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:55,119
Ladies and gentlemen,
here she is,
280
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:57,888
the former Miss Cotton
Maid of Alabama,
281
00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:01,225
the former Miss Potato
Maid of Idaho,
282
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:04,228
and the former Miss
Minute Maid of Florida.
283
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,834
Here she is,
the new Miss America,
284
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,936
Miss Billie Joe Boobs!
285
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,775
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
This is the happiest moment of my life.
286
00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:20,411
I accept
this prestigious award
287
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:24,147
on behalf of my
overpowering beauty,
288
00:11:24,149 --> 00:11:26,417
and for all you losers,
289
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,051
tough you-know-whattie.
290
00:11:29,655 --> 00:11:34,057
And now, to prove that I am
more than just gorgeous,
291
00:11:34,059 --> 00:11:35,892
for my talent selection,
292
00:11:35,894 --> 00:11:37,928
I have chosen
the "William Tell Overture,"
293
00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:40,030
which I shall play with my
ten tiny little fingers
294
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,465
on my prize-winning face.
295
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,534
[PLAYS OVERTURE]
296
00:11:58,817 --> 00:12:00,351
EDITH: Archie!
297
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:04,655
And here is last year's
Miss America,
298
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,891
fresh from
her worldwide tour
299
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:09,727
selling charm,
the American dream,
300
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:13,130
and one ton
of depilatory cream.
301
00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:15,233
Her Majesty speaks.
302
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:19,170
Have you seen
the air-freshener?
303
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:23,340
No, but we could use
a little of it down here.
304
00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:25,809
Oh, Gloria,
you look so funny.
305
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,178
What are ya doin'?
306
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,280
She's doin' her best
to run down
307
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,981
everything that's fine
and American.
308
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:33,451
Oh, Daddy, we just
don't want Joey competing
309
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,819
like a prize rooster
at the county fair.
310
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,888
Listen, little girl,
I got some news for you,
311
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,090
and you, too, Meathead--
312
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,757
this ain't no
competition at all,
313
00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:43,127
'cause Joey's gonna win
this thing hands down
314
00:12:43,129 --> 00:12:44,996
over all them other
little babies,
315
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:46,230
and particularly
Barney Hefner's
316
00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:47,631
little granddaughter Linda.
317
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:50,368
Oh, so that's the only
reason you're doing this.
318
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:53,170
You wanna rub your good friend
Barney's nose in the dirt.
319
00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:56,240
I don't care
where Barney's nose goes,
320
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:59,877
as long as his dough goes
into my pocket,
321
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:02,546
and therefore these pictures
goes to the Flushing Tribune.
322
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:04,248
Wrong. You're gonna
have to send the paper
323
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:05,383
a reasonable facsimile,
324
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,384
'cause I'm takin' these.
325
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,618
Uh, my property
there, Meathead.
326
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,920
Gloria, go get Joey,
and let's get him out of here.
327
00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:11,955
You'll get the pictures back
after the contest.
328
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,925
But, wait, you don't care
if I win a $10 bet with Barney, huh?
329
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:17,428
No, I don't, Arch.
In the words of our newly-crowned Miss America,
330
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,695
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"tough you-know-whattie."
331
00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:21,666
Hey, Meathead,
you forgot somethin' there.
332
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:22,867
What?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
333
00:13:22,869 --> 00:13:24,101
Okay.
334
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:27,371
With that fanfare, Edith,
I'm off to Flushing.
335
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:29,607
Archie,
Mike and Gloria
336
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,576
don't want Joey
in the contest.
337
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:33,945
You got no right
to put him in.
338
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,279
Oh, no? Why not?
339
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:38,749
Well, you shouldn't go
against the parent's wishes.
340
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:41,152
Talkin' about? You done that
when you married me,
341
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,753
and everything
turned out swell, didn't it?
342
00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:52,162
Why do you always hesitate
over them kinda questions?
343
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:54,298
No, I ain't
thinkin' about that.
344
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,500
I'm thinkin' about
the contest.
345
00:13:56,502 --> 00:14:00,237
I'm glad Mike
took them pictures away from ya.
346
00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:01,772
Oh, Edith, so am I.
347
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,674
I'm glad he got
all of them pictures,
348
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:06,143
as long as he left me
with the winner.
349
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:07,911
Oh, give me that picture.
Ah, no, no.
350
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:11,014
Oh, no, Edith. You ain't
gettin' that picture.
351
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:14,351
Now, stop, stop.
Now, don't be silly, will you?
352
00:14:17,889 --> 00:14:19,156
Ed--Edith!
353
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:20,624
Edith, for God sakes,
354
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:22,993
the neighbors'll think
you're a wild woman.
355
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:32,903
My vote for
most beautiful baby is...
356
00:14:34,072 --> 00:14:38,576
Baby Joey. Signed...
357
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:41,445
Well, let's see who the hell
we got here.
358
00:14:45,717 --> 00:14:48,552
All these Cohens.
Jeez, look at this.
359
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:52,356
There's a million Cohens here.
They own New York.
360
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:54,392
Well, now, let's see.
361
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:57,295
Cohen, Albert,
attorney at law.
362
00:14:57,297 --> 00:15:00,898
What the hell?
Sue me, Al.
363
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:06,069
Archie! Joey got
into the finals!
364
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:08,171
That was hot news
this morning, Edith.
365
00:15:08,173 --> 00:15:11,075
Well, I got lots
of papers, and I'm gonna
366
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:14,244
send his picture
to all the relatives.
367
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,546
Do you have
to do that?
368
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:18,716
Do you have to remind
your relatives
369
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:20,350
that we're still alive?
370
00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:22,686
Oh, they're
gonna love it,
371
00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:26,223
and maybe they'll
all vote for Joey.
372
00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:27,758
They can't vote, Edith!
373
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,427
Your relatives all live
over in Jersey
374
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,995
with all
the other people
375
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,098
who don't care
nothing about life.
376
00:15:36,401 --> 00:15:38,335
Just help me out here.
377
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:41,072
Take this scissors,
take this pile of papers,
378
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,773
and cut out
these voting blanks
379
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,208
here for me, that's all.
380
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:47,644
Archie, you're only
supposed to vote once!
381
00:15:47,646 --> 00:15:49,246
I only voted once,
382
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:52,316
and all these people here
are entitled to vote once.
383
00:15:54,052 --> 00:15:56,587
Archie, that's cheatin'!
384
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,055
But how am I supposed
to protect myself
385
00:15:59,057 --> 00:16:01,592
from a dishonest guy
like Barney Hefner?
386
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:05,295
Archie, you ought to let
our friends send in their own votes!
387
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,464
Edith, never
trust a friend.
388
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:12,036
Sybil Gouley says she's gonna
send in her vote for Joey.
389
00:16:12,038 --> 00:16:15,373
Please tell her to send in
a different name, will ya?
390
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,608
I already sent
her vote in there.
391
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,677
I already sent in a vote,
too, for her mother,
392
00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:22,913
old lady McGuire,
who had the stroke.
393
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:27,584
Archie, that poor old woman
has been dead for years.
394
00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:31,988
You knew that.
You went to her funeral.
395
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:34,325
Edith, I couldn't
swear to that.
396
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:37,261
I never checked
the box.
397
00:16:37,263 --> 00:16:40,297
Where is he?
I'm sick and tired of you meddling
398
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:41,699
in how I raise
my son!
399
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,367
First you sneak him off
to church--
400
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:46,002
you have him baptized,
then you give him a gun for his birthday!
401
00:16:46,004 --> 00:16:47,438
Now, without
anybody's permission,
402
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,040
you got his face plastered
on every doorstep in Queens
403
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,542
in a stupid
baby contest!
404
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:55,279
Ooh, well, bless my soul.
405
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:58,782
Edith, I do believe
your big-mouthed son-in-law
406
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,284
is payin' you a visit.
407
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:02,986
Oh, Mike,
please don't be mad.
408
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:04,788
Archie didn't mean no harm.
409
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,790
He just wants Joey
to win, that's all.
410
00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:09,259
He wants him to win, too,
he don't want to admit it.
411
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:11,094
You see,
Joey wins that contest,
412
00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:13,029
he'll have his chest
puffed out
413
00:17:13,031 --> 00:17:14,531
bigger than
"Raquel Walsh."
414
00:17:16,668 --> 00:17:21,204
And the prize
is a $100 bond.
415
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,707
Yes, $100 set aside
for little Joey
416
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,108
for a fine thing.
417
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,111
Yeah, his education.
418
00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:30,648
For bowling equipment, Edith.
419
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,015
Wait a second,
wait a second.
420
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,618
What do you got here?
"Judge Vanderbart?"
421
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:35,852
That's right.
422
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,921
You put down
Judge Vanderbart's name? Why not?
423
00:17:37,923 --> 00:17:39,356
Arch, you can't
have him vote--
424
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,525
Don't tell me nothin',
will you?
425
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:43,660
I voted for
Judge Vanderbart, didn't I?
426
00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:46,763
So now it's time
for Judge Vanderbart to vote for us.
427
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:49,866
I don't know
what I'm doin' here,
428
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,802
talkin' to a man
who in the last election
429
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,370
didn't like Ford,
That's right.
430
00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:54,905
didn't like Carter,
Right.
431
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,506
so he wrote in
"Richard Nixon."
432
00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:58,442
Damn right.
433
00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:01,178
Do whatever you want,
Arch.
434
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:03,880
Do whatever you want.
I don't care!
435
00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:06,150
Live with that, buddy!
Live with that!
436
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:12,489
Archie, did you really
write in "Richard Nixon"?
437
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:15,725
I just tell him that
to drive him nuts.
438
00:18:17,762 --> 00:18:20,130
You wanna know the truth?
I wrote in "Reagan."
439
00:18:26,304 --> 00:18:30,974
"My vote is for baby Joey,
440
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:33,877
Signed Gloria Stivic."
441
00:18:33,879 --> 00:18:35,545
Oh, boy.
442
00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:36,613
Hi, honey.
443
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:39,416
I just came
from your father's. Hmm.
444
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:41,585
Can you fix me something
to calm my nerves?
445
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,153
You mean
you want a drink?
446
00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:46,056
No, a sandwich.
447
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:48,459
Oh, well,
I'll fix you one later.
448
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,295
Gloria, wait a minute.
What are you doing here?
449
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,697
I thought we decided
against baby contests.
450
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:55,932
Well, yeah, we did,
451
00:18:55,934 --> 00:19:00,203
but have you seen
this picture of Joey?
452
00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:02,272
I know what
my son looks like.
453
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:05,008
Honey, look,
there's no comparison.
454
00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:07,411
I mean, these other
kids are cute,
455
00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:10,213
but Joey's beautiful.
456
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:12,449
Gloria, that's not the point.
457
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,618
I have to vote for him.
I'm his mother!
458
00:19:20,892 --> 00:19:22,859
And even if I wasn't
his mother,
459
00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:26,463
I'd still vote for him over
these other four yucky kids.
460
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:28,432
You know, you're the only
girl in the world
461
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:30,834
that's got an umbilical cord
attached to her father.
462
00:19:32,937 --> 00:19:35,406
Case closed.
463
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,508
You don't want
Joey to win.
464
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,376
Oh, well then,
who do I want to win?
465
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:40,310
Joey's mother.
466
00:19:41,545 --> 00:19:42,880
Me?
467
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,048
Sure. I can hear it
in the supermarket--
468
00:19:45,050 --> 00:19:46,350
"Aren't you the lady
469
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,652
whose baby won
the beauty contest?"
470
00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:51,187
"Yes,
and he's got my looks!
471
00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:53,957
Isn't he beautiful?!"
472
00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:56,427
It's ridiculous.
473
00:19:56,429 --> 00:20:00,364
All right, but let me
ask you one question, Michael.
474
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,432
How are you gonna feel
475
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:04,068
if Joey loses
by just one vote?
476
00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:05,235
One vote?
477
00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:07,071
Yeah, yours.
478
00:20:13,944 --> 00:20:16,280
Hey, Hank, why don't
you call your friend at the Tribune,
479
00:20:16,282 --> 00:20:18,715
see if you can get
some information on how the voting's going?
480
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,651
Yeah, do that, huh?
He said he'd call us
481
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,085
as soon as the ballots
are counted.
482
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:23,353
Yeah, but when's
that gonna happen?
483
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:25,455
Oh, hi, professor.
484
00:20:25,457 --> 00:20:27,824
Oh, you got The Flushing
Tribune there, huh?
485
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:29,726
That's right.
How's the baby contest comin'?
486
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,695
Oh, just kinda curious.
487
00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:33,997
Oh, we know you're curious.
488
00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:36,066
You're here because
you know we're gettin' the results here.
489
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,501
All right, all right,
he's my son,
490
00:20:37,503 --> 00:20:39,102
my flesh and blood.
491
00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:40,904
Yeah, thank God
he ain't got your face.
492
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,575
BARNEY:
Hey, throw me a beer, will ya, Harry?
493
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,744
Oh, Barney.
Oh, look at this guy.
494
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,713
Down here to drown
your sorrows, Arch?
495
00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:51,915
Oh, no. No, no,
496
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,217
I'm here to make sure
I get my ten simoleons
497
00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:55,852
out of you
when I win that bet,
498
00:20:55,854 --> 00:20:57,287
'cause your baby Linda
ain't gonna win.
499
00:20:57,289 --> 00:20:58,889
She's too fat to win.
500
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:02,526
Few years time,
she's gonna be a teenage bus.
501
00:21:05,763 --> 00:21:07,397
Well, all I gotta say is,
502
00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:09,800
it's too bad it wasn't
a baldy contest.
503
00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:11,234
Oh, you hear that?
504
00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:13,771
He's always on
the baldy thing over here.
505
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,439
You're gonna lose
an old friend
506
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:16,473
that way, Barney.
507
00:21:16,475 --> 00:21:18,341
See?
That's competition for ya.
508
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:19,476
Two best friends
509
00:21:19,478 --> 00:21:21,177
ready to bust each other
in the chops
510
00:21:21,179 --> 00:21:23,113
over who's got the most
beautiful grandchild.
511
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:25,148
Hey, you know
what just occurred to me
512
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:26,583
about little Joey?
513
00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:29,152
I mean, since he's got them
long, beautiful eyelashes,
514
00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:31,888
you should have entered him
as a baldy girl.
515
00:21:31,890 --> 00:21:34,257
You hear that?!
Hey, watch what you're saying there, Barney,
516
00:21:34,259 --> 00:21:35,258
that's my son!
517
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:36,359
Yeah, that's his son.
518
00:21:36,361 --> 00:21:38,194
You deserve a belt
in the jaw for that.
519
00:21:38,196 --> 00:21:39,229
Who's gonna belt me?
520
00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:40,831
The father here.
521
00:21:40,833 --> 00:21:43,434
Go ahead, hit him
below the belt.
522
00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:44,501
He's over the hill.
523
00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:48,639
Hey, break it up.
524
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,374
Break it up.
Between the three of ya's,
525
00:21:50,376 --> 00:21:51,542
I'm gonna lose my license.
526
00:21:51,544 --> 00:21:52,810
[PHONE RINGS]
Hey, get the phone!
527
00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:53,843
This could be the contest!
528
00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:56,680
Hello? Yeah, Harley?
Shh.
529
00:21:56,682 --> 00:21:57,814
The finals are comin' in.
530
00:21:57,816 --> 00:21:59,048
Who, who, who?
531
00:21:59,050 --> 00:22:01,184
Yeah? Yeah?
MIKE: Come on, baby Joey.
532
00:22:01,186 --> 00:22:02,719
Come on, Joey,
you can do it!
533
00:22:02,721 --> 00:22:04,220
Yeah?
Come on, Joe!
534
00:22:04,222 --> 00:22:05,289
Baby Joey?
535
00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:07,290
He did it, Arch!
He did it! The winner?
536
00:22:07,292 --> 00:22:09,192
And baby Linda?
537
00:22:09,194 --> 00:22:10,227
A dead heat?
538
00:22:10,229 --> 00:22:11,228
Two of them?
539
00:22:11,230 --> 00:22:13,063
They was both
disqualified.
540
00:22:15,232 --> 00:22:17,534
Disqualified?
What the hell for?
541
00:22:17,536 --> 00:22:19,069
Too many phony votes.
542
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:24,908
Too many
phony grandfathers.
543
00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:26,843
What do you mean by that?
544
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:28,278
Baby Alexis wins.
545
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:29,813
ARCHIE:
How could that happen?
546
00:22:29,815 --> 00:22:31,014
MIKE:
Thanks a lot, Arch.
547
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:33,584
You lost it for Joey.
It's your fault.
548
00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:36,487
Don't tell me that.
I did not lose it for Joey.
549
00:22:36,489 --> 00:22:38,522
Who asked you
to come down here, anyway?
550
00:22:38,524 --> 00:22:41,224
And you're gonna
get Reagan in 1980, wise guy!
551
00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:48,164
And I know
the answer to this!
552
00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:49,733
I know the answer well!
553
00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:53,637
Somebody around here's
been doin' a lot of cheatin'!
554
00:22:53,639 --> 00:22:56,206
Me cheatin'?
What about you cheatin'?
555
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,375
One topic at a time, buddy.
556
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,711
Yeah, goodbye, Harley.
557
00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:02,312
Well, Hank,
how'd they find out?
558
00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:04,347
Well, the boys
down at the Tribune
559
00:23:04,349 --> 00:23:06,182
figured something
was fishy.
560
00:23:06,184 --> 00:23:07,484
Hey, Barney,
561
00:23:07,486 --> 00:23:09,853
did you sign a vote
with Judge Vanderbart's name
562
00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:10,954
for baby Linda?
563
00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:13,957
Oh.
Well, yeah, yeah,
564
00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:15,492
the Judge is a fine man.
565
00:23:15,494 --> 00:23:19,162
That's the dumbest move
you ever made.
566
00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:22,365
I signed Judge
Vanderbart's name, too.
567
00:23:22,367 --> 00:23:24,768
Well, how was I
supposed to know that?
568
00:23:24,770 --> 00:23:27,738
Check with me, will you?
569
00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:30,707
Well, youse both
made a mistake.
570
00:23:30,709 --> 00:23:33,443
Three weeks ago they threw
Judge Vanderbart in jail.
571
00:23:33,445 --> 00:23:36,112
Oh, jail, oh.
Jail?
572
00:23:36,114 --> 00:23:37,981
Can you believe that?
573
00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:40,717
Oh, yes, Barney,
I certainly can.
574
00:23:40,719 --> 00:23:42,352
Listen, nowadays
575
00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:45,121
we gotta face
one important fact of life--
576
00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:48,325
all us Republicans
ain't clean.
577
00:24:11,249 --> 00:24:13,984
♪
578
00:24:13,986 --> 00:24:16,686
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
579
00:24:16,688 --> 00:24:18,221
before a live audience.
580
00:24:18,271 --> 00:24:22,821
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0